but I'm having a bad day
I had a "scare" (more of my hoping that AF was late for a reason and getting my hopes up stupid stupid stupid!!!!) she seems to be here now.
Unfortunately now I am once again desperate for another baby and not just run of the mill "oh I think I fancy another baby" I mean I am really desperate for a baby. It's awful, every night I go to sleep and I dream I am pregnant I can feel it all and it's breaking my heart when I break up. OH doesn't do serious so I haven't broached the subject with him yet he'll tell me I'm hormonal and silly- not in a mean way, just the way my OH does when he doesn't want to have a conversation).
I spend all my time researching to find out what would happen if we just started trying now and I can come up with no reason not to. OH seems to think a) he is infertile anyway ( ) and b) there is an increased risk of down's syndrome but I can't see it anywhere and it's making me even more crazy! Everything I have seen seems to say the only problems are not being able to conceive (unless you have had radiotherapy of testicular cancers) but again I don't want to hassle OH. I know he wants another baby and that just makes it harder for me to keep it to myself but it's really starting to get me down.
I'm starting to think I am losing the plot! We were going to start TTC last christmas and now it's all getting too much. I can't wait. My brain won't let me! It screams at me every hour of every day about how much I want us to be pregnant again and it really is getting too much!
And now just to add insult to injury I finally find the info I have been looking for for an age. The NHS info about whether we could go for IUI (our best shot at pregnancy) and our area only give you assistance if you have no other children! WTF how is that fair!? I get they don't want people to take the P but how is it fair to go "here your 24 and 25 but your family is complete, sh***y circumstances or not" I just feel like they aren't giving individuals a chance! Surely most people want 2 children at least!? Surely we should be allowed that option!? OH didn't lose his fertility to drugs or anything else, he got ill and now we are punished for it!!!
I feel so desperate! I just want us to be able to start trying and have another baby! I don't think there are any words that can describe how desperate I am to be pregnant again. I know some people will just dismiss this but I have a permanent ache in my heart when I think that i it weren't for OH being ill I would be pregnant again now and it's killing me every time I see another BFP! Don't get me wrong I am happy for those mommas that get them but it just hurts so much right now!
Sorry to be such a misery I just daren't tell OH, I don't want him to think I am nuts
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